The Beauty in Life

(The fam with Great-Grandmother, before Colin and Kitman)

This past week has been a grueling one. And well, when life is grueling, who really wants to hear about it? So I haven't really been blogging, or should I say, writing. But I'm feeling back to writing, so I've decided to blog about my past week.

So, about a week and a half ago I was having all of those drowning thoughts about home, and San Francisco, and "why am I here?", "why am I not there?", and about friends, and past relationships, and "what am I running from?", and everything along that line and back again. I knew that point would hit me. It's inevitable no matter where you go. And as everyone has been reminding me, those same thoughts went through my mind when I first landed in SF, but they eventually faded and now look at home much I loved my life in SF! There's always a positive side to look at, but there are always those moments where it's hard to look at the positive. Where every little thing that is Korean irks you the wrong way! When you just get tired of smelling kimchi and garbage everywhere you walk! Not to mention, the slow-moving crowds can be a lot for any American to take. 

But then I received news last weekend that my grandmother had passed, and I received it via email. I came home from a much needed day away from the city, out hiking with friends, getting fresh air, to find an email from my sister with the sad news. It's such a weird thing to sit down at the computer, feeling good for the first day in several, and all of it fades away in a moment's time. Of course, it all felt so much worse, because I am so far away. I also had no way to contact my family. It was 6am their time, and truth be told, I never wrote down phone numbers before I left the US. I just kept them in my old phone! I know, I know, I've learned from that mistake. It was just a very helpless feeling. Her passing was very unexpected. She had been living with Alzheimer's for some time, but the last time I talked with my granddad or mom about it, she seemed to be doing better, at least not getting any worse. 

What was hardest of all was not getting to be there with my mom. I feel a great closeness to her. She means everything to me, and her losing her mom, brought up a whole slew of emotions. I see so much of my mom in me, and so much of my grandmother in my mom. It's just a very sad thing to lose someone so significant that has shaped the life of your mother. 

My grandmother was a beautiful woman with a good heart. She raised three beautiful girls who are amazing mothers, who in turn have raised amazing children with big hearts. And I think her influence will continue for generations. She somehow let three girls grow up to be individuals with very different lives, who all still have beautiful minds and open hearts. It's an amazing task if you think about it, and for her grandchildren to all turn out semi-ok, is also pretty amazing.

So I worked my way through the week. I have a lot of distractions here in Korea, so I was able to get in a good amount of "distraction" time, as well as "alone" time. It can be hard when something like this happens and you don't really have those close bonds/relationships with people yet, so you can't really talk about it with those around you. But it can also force you to be stronger and to really rely on yourself. And that can be a really good thing. 

So I made it through the week. But not without getting sick. I just drained myself in every way possible, and now I'm stuck with a cold. Yeah. 

But I will say, during the week I really did a lot of thinking about life. As cheesy as that might seem, I think sometimes it's the best thing to just sit back and think about life and what's important. Family is important to me. And living out my desires is also important to me. There is a big part of me that would like to travel on for a couple more years, and see where life takes me. And there is another part that wants to be where my family is. To be there in some of their last days, and some of their first. I'm looking at where to find my balance. There's nothing more rewarding than the love you get and give within your family. I've been lucky enough to have a really amazing family that has given me so much love. I just don't want to take that for granted. But I also want to have an open heart and share that kind of love with the rest of the world.

(Me and the grandparents)

(Grandmother, Mom, Me - looking crabby, and my Aunts)

(Me and the beautiful lady)